Miss Ann Says

thoughts from everyday life
Miss Ann Says
  • About Me & Media Bio:
  • Speaker/Writer
  • Monthly Archives: September 2012

    • Sept 11, 2012

      Posted at 7:00 am by missannsays, on September 11, 2012
      The death certificate said “homicide”.  The FDNY said LODD – line of duty death.  Our Heavenly Father said “Well done, Bruce – welcome home.”
      Praying for the families that lost loved ones. Praying for health of body and mind for the first responders that carry on. Praying for the survivors of the WTC & Pentagon who saw things no human being should ever see. Praying for our military and their families.
      Thanking my friends and family for their love & support.
      “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”
      Posted in faith, respect in the real world, September 11 | 3 Comments | Tagged following Jesus, September 11, telling the next generation
    • R. Bruce Van Hine

      Posted at 7:00 am by missannsays, on September 10, 2012

      He would enter this world on July 25, 1953. He was given the name Richard Bruce Van Hine but he was called Bruce. He was the second child in the family, the only son. His mom celebrates her 94 birthday the end of this week. His dad died 21 years ago this November. His older sister lives in the mid west with her husband. Her grown children are married and have children and live in Colorado, Chicago and Minnesota. He had many aunts and uncles and lots of cousins. When he was young, he didn’t like school and his parents were told by his teachers that he was lazy. Upon graduation from high school, he would work as a lineman for the telephone company.  And when he received a high draft number, he would enlist in the Navy.  In the spring of 1975, he would be honorably discharged from the Navy and use all the money he had saved to buy a Porsche 914.  And he would appear on my doorstep in September of 1975.

      He was the friend of a friend. After our first date, I would tell that friend of a friend that Bruce was a “creep”.  Through the years the joke would become that he was a still “a creep” but  he was “my creep”.  We would be married on June 14, 1980. He would start his own tree business and eventually pursue his dream of being a real firefighter, a New York City firefighter. He would register to take the FDNY test one month before he would have been too old to qualify. He would take the written test, the physical test, go through the psychological testing and be given a place on the list. And then that list would be in the courts for 8 years and his dream would be on hold. One funny anecdote from the psychological testing. The psychologist would ask Bruce if he had any siblings. Bruce would respond “yes”. “where is your sister?” “in Leavenworth” The doctor would pause and then say “is she incarcerated there?” “No she lives there with her family”. That was Bruce always the wise guy. When Bruce told me the story I couldn’t believe he had said that. He thought it was amusing. He would eventually be hired as a New York City firefighter. He would also work at his tree jobs. And play a major role in raising our daughters.

      Bruce loved to be outdoors. He enjoyed scuba diving, hunting and  hiking. He tried his hand at skiing but that wasn’t really his thing. He wasn’t a big reader but he did enjoy Bill Bryson book “A Walk in the Woods” about two non hikers through hiking the Appalachian Trail.  That was another dream of his to through hike the Appalachian Trail.  He enjoyed family vacations and we took some great, inexpensive vacations. Mostly camping trips – tent camping, then we graduated to a pop up and eventually we got a trailer.

      He had no problem with being Mr Clark at my dance studio. I added Van Hine to my maiden name when we married. But I was Ann Clark at my studio. I actually was never Mrs Van Hine until after Bruce died. Kind of weird when you think about it. At one point in our marriage, I was the Sunday School Superintendent at our local church as well as the District Children’s Ministries Director for  Metro New York . One day for some bizarre reason I said to Bruce “you know you really should get a ministry” And without missing a beat he said to me “I have a ministry”. “You do. What?” “You are my ministry” and with that he walked calming out of the room. And I realized that I was able to do all the things I was doing because Bruce was giving me his unbridled support, encouragement and love.

      On February 26, 1993, Bruce was working on something in the basement. I would turn the television on to watch noontime news and hear that there had been an explosion at the World Trade Center. I would yell that information down the stairs to Bruce. He would come bounding up the stairs, listen to the report on the television and in true firefighter fashion say “I can’t believe I missed the big one.”

      In August of 2001, Bruce would escort his mother to her granddaughter, his niece’s wedding in Chicago. At that wedding he would see his sister, his one niece and her groom, his two nephews and their future spouses. At the end of August, he would spend the night on the AP trail. And during that weekend he would finish the Connecticut piece of the trail leaving a Bible in a plastic bag in the trail shelter. By doing day hikes through the years, he completed the NJ, NY, PA and CT sections of the trail.

      And on September 11, 2001,  Squad 41 would be sent to Manhattan to relocate at Squad 18 but on the way there the second plane would hit the WTC and they would go directly to the WTC site. They would enter #2 WTC and get pretty high up into the tower when they would come across injured civilians. They would start to bring those civilians down as the building collapsed. That scenario wouldn’t be known until many months after the attacks. The FDNY knew Squad 41 had been dispatched but they didn’t know which tower they had gone in, etc..   At some point during that first week after September 11, I had a dream. In my dream Bruce was in the towers and he realized the building was collapsing and he tried even harder to get people to “move” and then he whispered that he loved his girls (that is what he called me and our two daughters) and he was face to face with God. He would enter eternity on September 11, 2001.

      People have said that R. Bruce Van Hine was a hero. He wouldn’t like that word. He would say he was just doing his job, a job that he loved.  He got to be the real firefighter that he always wanted to be. He is missed but his legacy of faith, family, friends and living your calling will be told to the next generation.

      Posted in faith, memories, September 11 | 25 Comments | Tagged respect, September 11, telling the next generation
    • the last time

      Posted at 4:34 pm by missannsays, on September 9, 2012
      I don’t remember how old my youngest daughter (M) was but at some point she put a note in her father’s dress uniform hat that said “I love you Dad”.  That note is still in that hat. And that hat sits on a shelf in the corner cabinet of my “study/reading room”.  As I remember the story, M. had placed the note in the hat because her dad was attending a firefighter’s funeral. The tradition of firefighters paying tribute to fellow fallen firefighters is a long, rich not to be taken lightly duty. To be honest, I didn’t always get the “firefighter” funeral thing. I understood the firefighters need to honor their fellow firefighters and support the family.  I personally felt it was wrong for the mayor, etc to show up at funerals and speak. I felt it was an invasion of privacy. Bruce would tell me that it was just the way it was. I had told him that if he died in the line of duty I wasn’t going to let the mayor come. He told me I would have to sort that out after he was gone. It would be my problem not his.
       The last time Bruce wore that hat was the day of M. eighth grade graduation in June 2001.  Bruce would attend the funeral for one of the firefighters killed in the Father’s Day fire. He would call and say he was running late and should he come home to change and be late for graduation or just come in his dress uniform. We would decide that he should just meet us there.  There are wonderful photos of M with her dad in his uniform.
      When September 11 falls on a Tuesday, it is a little freaky for many of us. See when it is on a Tuesday you know what you were doing in the days leading up to that day that would start as such a beautiful late summer day.  The days seem to line up more easily. I am not sure why it is maybe it is just how your brain stores information.  Sunday September 9 is the last time so many years ago that I would see my husband. He was on duty Sunday evening to Monday evening and then on duty again on Tuesday for a day tour. Because his firehouse was in the Bronx, we decided he would spend Monday night and the firehouse.
      I would speak to him on the phone on Monday. I can’t remember what that conversation was about. I do vividly remember the conversation we had when he left for work on Sunday September 9, 2001. It had been a ordinary Sunday. We attended church with our eldest daughter (E). Our youngest daughter (M) wasn’t home. She was on a school sponsored trip to the New Jersey shore. We had lunch and then took a  *”Nazarene” nap. As Bruce was getting dressed to leave, he said “I am so blest”. I commented “why”. He answered “I am married to Miss Ann, we have 2 great kids and we got the trailer.” To which I responded “some people won’t see being married to me as a plus. You are right the girls are great. And yes, we had a great summer.” 🙂
       The mayor won’t be at Bruce’s memorial service not because I didn’t invite him but because there were too many services/funerals. A representative of the mayor’s office and governor’s office would be there. A little side story I would actually meet those gentlemen the day before. The day before Bruce’s memorial service we would stop by Squad 41 in the Bronx. As we pulled into the little parking lot next to the firehouse, an official looking car would pull in behind us. Two suits would get out. They were coming to Squad 41 to learn about Bruce and pay their respects.They didn’t expect to run into his family.  I had a brief conversation with them. Some time after I would receive a personal note from those men telling me how moved they had been by his service and meeting me. On September 29 we would have Bruce’s memorial service. It would celebrate his life and bring glory to our God. Both of those things were important to us. Firefighters from all around would attend. And they would be given a standing ovation has they entered and left the church. I can still hear the sound of people applauding for them. The firefighters would exit the church and stand in formation outside.  My daughters and I would walk out the side door of the church and around the corner of the building to see a giant American flag drapped between two firetrucks and all those firefighters would stand at attention as we walked by. My daughters tell me that they still remember the sound of my heels on the pavement. I actually remember that sound, too. We would re-enter the church through a lower level door and have a brief time of refreshment. Complete with Arthur Avenue cheesecake and coffee – two of Bruce’s favorites. Family, friends and complete strangers would offer their words of encouragement and support. My daughter’s friends from school, church and camp would be there to support them. The outpouring of love was amazing.  And on Monday October first, E, M and I would establish our new normal but those stories are for another day.
           *Nazarene nap – Sunday afternoon nap right after lunch and sandwiched in between morning service and evening service.*
      Posted in faith, memories, respect in the real world, September 11 | 4 Comments | Tagged following Jesus, friendship, September 11
    • 11 random things I have learned since Sept 11

      Posted at 8:23 pm by missannsays, on September 7, 2012

      So here goes 11 random things I have learned since September 11, 2001. Some serious and some not.

      1. My dad was right when he said not to make any major changes in my life until after the first year. Good advice. The first year we were numb and on autopilot.
      2. Even after the darkness night, the sun will rise the next morning.
      3. Life is meant to be lived one day at a time. And sometimes it is meant to be lived the next ten minutes and then the ten minutes after that.
      4. Everyone has a story. And I can’t know what someone has been through by looking at them.
      5. Listening is the greatest gift you can give someone.
      6. There are some things that can only be understood by another FDNY widow. And I am very grateful for the FDNY widow friends in my life.
      7. When visiting the White House, don’t wander down a path unless you have been given permission. You may run into sniper people.
      8. David Hasselhoff is taller than he looks on TV, Glenn Close is very tiny and “Ginger” from Gilligan’s Island is way too skinny. Met all of them at the Squad 41 Christmas party in December of 2001.
      9. I have to make  decisions that are right for me and my family.  And until you have walked in my shoes please don’t judge me. I will respect your choices even if you don’t respect mine.
      10.  Squad 41 thinks I have “culture”. In March of 2002, there was a trip donated by the Paris Fire Department to spend a week in France and Squad 41 said they thought of me because I have “culture’. 🙂
      11. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

      Photo is of the flag that covered Bruce’s body when his remains were found in March 2002. The medal is the Congressional Medal of Valor which was awarded to all first responders who died in the line of duty on September 11, 2001. We were invited to the White House in September of 2005. Not inside just on the lawn. Still trying to get an invitation inside.

      “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” -Robert Frost

       

      Posted in daily life, respect in the real world, September 11 | 1 Comment | Tagged following Jesus, respect, September 11
    • a few thoughts on Sept 11

      Posted at 10:11 pm by missannsays, on September 6, 2012

      When I tell my personal story while doing tours at the National September 11 Memorial for the Tribute Center, I say “there are 2 reasons I have made it through the last 11 years – my faith and the fact that Bruce was a NYC firefighter. I have never asked why because on September 11 he was doing his job. It was his job to go into those buildings and it was a job he loved.”  But I really should say “there are 3 reasons I have made it through the last 11 years – my faith, the fact Bruce was a NYC firefighter and that I am blest to have the most amazing family and friends.”

      My faith is what has sustained me through the years. God has proved that He can be trusted. He has allowed me to hide behind him. He has carried me. He has put me down to walk beside him and He has picked me up again. Bruce and I always talked about that if we truly believed what we said we believed then when one of us died it better be different, because we either believe there is eternal life or we don’t. I believe that it is only time that separates Bruce and I. And when eternity comes I will see my husband again. That doesn’t mean that I am happy that he died. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t looked towards the heaven and yelled “are you kidding me”. But God is big enough for my doubts and questions. He has given me a “peace that surpasses all understanding.” I was asked by a television reporter in December 2001 “how was I coping”. I answered “I am not coping. I am hoping.” I realized after I said it that could have become a “sound bite” that said “I wasn’t coping”. Thankful they used the entire statement.

      Because Bruce was a firefighter, I believe he died in the line of duty. He gave his life, no one took it. Whenever a firefighter goes to work, he may not come home. That is a whole different thing than your 23-year-old son was sitting at a desk and terrorist flew a commercial airliner into the building. Firefighters did their jobs that day. (As did the police officers and WTC security people) The brotherhood of the FDNY is unmatched.  I am very grateful to be part of that family. But we should not forget that there were civilians who did amazing things for each other. I believe there are wonderful stories of people helping people that we will never know because all those involved lost their lives. It has been said that “September 11 was the worst of humanity and the best of humanity.”

      I have been blest with the most amazing family and friends. People who were with me and my daughters from the beginning of this journey. People who did “all those things I couldn’t do”. People who have become part of our life since September 11 and have enriched my life in more ways than I can count.

      I am going to take the liberty of sharing a few things that I hope people realize as September 11, 2011 approaches.

      1. There are still families waiting to receive notification that their family member has been identified. 2,749 were killed at the World Trade Center in NYC. 1100 of those families have never had any human remains. All those killed at the Pentagon and Shanksville were identified – 184 and 40 respectively.
      2. There are families still being notified that “more” of their loved one has been identified.
      3. The number 2,749 does not include the homeless and probably doesn’t include illegals because that number is based on missing persons reports. The homeless had no one to file the report and families of illegals may have been afraid to file a report.
      4. That September 11 didn’t just happen in NYC but also in DC and PA.  From the first tower being hit until that same tower fell was 102 minutes. In between the second tower was hit, the Pentagon was hit, the second tower collapses, the plane crashes in PA and then the first tower hit falls.
      5. Over 1000 rescue and recovery workers have died since September 11 from illness contracted from working at the site.
      6. Many rescue workers, recovery workers and volunteers are sick from working at the site.
      7. I want you to know that when you hear of some tragic event in your town, state, country or around the world don’t doubt that there is something you can do. I know that people’s prayers, cards, and donations made a difference because I was the recipient of prayers, cards, and donations from friends and total strangers. And I can tell you those acts of kindness made a difference to me and my family.

      Thanks for “listening” and don’t forget to hug your family and friends and tell them that love them 🙂

      Posted in faith, September 11 | 1 Comment | Tagged following Jesus, September 11
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